Why are we so h*rny for Batman?
From Christian Bale to Robert Pattinson, there's something about Bruce Wayne.
Last week I saw Matt Reeves’ ‘The Batman’ starring Zoe Kravitz, Rob Pattinson and Rob Pattinson’s jaw. As a rule, I do not watch movies that are longer than three hours in theaters, but was assured by a very good and trusted friend (hello, Pam; happy belated birthday ❤️) that the film delivered in a few key areas: pacing, abs, and sexual tension. While the film did not deliver as expected—
In fact, in my humble opinion it’s not good. One mutual’s dad put it very well: The Batman is really a three hour music video (in the sense that it’s 99.9% vibes). Watching the film, I couldn’t help but wonder if Reeves and co. have unresolved, unacknowledged sexual obsessions with Batman that led to needless and consistent beauty shots of the Bat throughout the film. If you cut these shots down or out, the runtime would be an appropriate two hours or less.
—it did prompt a fun Instagram story (now highlighted here), which prompted some important thoughts on my side; namely, Batman is the superhero that makes us the most horny and the makings of a good Bruce Wayne are in the actor’s lips, dress and speaking voice.
The Bruce Wayne with the most consistent scores across this key criteria is Christian Bale’s, obviously. But each Batman has his strengths; Bale’s everything, but most importantly, his presence; Michael Keaton’s supple, glossed lips, George Clooney’s black (likely cashmere), svelte turtlenecks, and Rob Pattinson’s perpetual brooding. [ Note: It was brought to my attention that there is another significant Batman—Val Kilmer, Batman Forever (1995)—which I have never seen; in fact I wasn’t aware Val Kilmer existed until seeing the fan art below. He looks more like a Season 1 Charlotte York fling than a Bruce Wayne, but I’ll have to watch BF ‘95 to really make an informed call. There is something to his face, I will admit. ] [ Another note: I will not be acknowledging Ben Affleck’s Bruce Wayne beyond this sentence; shame on you, Ben. ]
The question of the morning is why the hell does Batman make us so horny? We should acknowledge first that the Bat’s sex appeal is most evident when he’s in the presence of Catwoman, who is neither a hero or villain, but perhaps a romantic foil.
It’s not lost on me that the three of the core four above play opposite Catwomen in their respective films, which also suggests that the man (Bat) is made by the woman (Cat); Would Bale matter with Anne Hathaway? Would Pattinson matter without Zoe? Kravittson's press run says ‘no’, heartily. I firmly believe Batman—which has pulled $400MM+ at the box office thus far—would not have had the success it has so far without Zoe there to make Rob look more interesting, hot and dateable offscreen; when she laughs at him, when she looks at him longingly… we do, too. This is one of the more recent examples of film marketing teams baiting audiences with flirting co-stars on highly public press tours. Zendaya and Timmy did it, too. Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain did it. And I have to credit one the OGs, Brad and Angelina on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith tour, which coincided with their IRL affair.
Offscreen baiting aside, direction in the Batman films often include soft-core erotica that is unnecessary to the plot, but necessary for inspiring lustful, flustered feelings in moviegoers. The thought of Batman Returns (1992) Director Tim Burton instructing Michael Keaton to softly bite his lip after being licked by Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman sends (read: SENDS) me. Or the way Rob’s Batman looks at Z’s Catwoman like he needs her immediately if not sooner, even when she’s being ridiculous: drinking whole milk, leaving her fridge wide open, or parking a motorcycle on a roof. The interactions with Catwoman are so obviously sexy, we want to sex Batman.
But there’s also a natural, multifaceted sex appeal to the character that can be attributed to the face, the body, the money, the attitude, which other heroes lack in spades. Batman’s peers might have superhuman strength, powers and looks, but the billionaire playboy aesthetic (less Bezos, more Hassan Jameel) is something Superman will never have; and that explains Superman’s supreme jealousy and fixation with Bruce Wayne. Bruce is a mythical catch we dream of meeting IRL; but where? Certainly not the “sugar daddy” “spots” like Cipriani Downtown or Butterfly SoHo. The only place you’re meeting a Bruce Wayne is a back alley when he’s not Bruce at all; he’s booted, shielded, caped Batman. And that is perhaps the most attractive piece about him: his unavailability. The man only exists when and where wants to—and you’re just lucky to be there at the right time.
Additionally, Batman film casting and costume design suggests these lustful feelings were intended. Have we ever seen a less than desirable actor cast? Will we ever see a bat suit that doesn’t accentuate the bat’s manhood?—pecs, jawline and member? Modern day bat suits are devices to send a single message to movie goers: desire me. In the most recent Batman film, the shot of Rob Pattinson literally walking out of an explosion, camera panning down to his kink-adjacent laced boots was not included purely for cinematic effect. And that is perfectly ok. Warner Bros has to hit a bil’ at the box office somehow.
—Let the record show this post is a joke. I ~really~ hoped my first post back from hiatus would be one of substance.
Batmen, according to me:
1: CHRISTIAN BALE, The Dark Knight Trilogy (2005-2012)
2: ROBERT PATTINSON, The Batman (2022)
3: GEORGE CLOONEY, Batman & Robin (1997)
4: MICHAEL KEATON, Batman, Batman Returns (1989-1992)
n/a: VAL KILMER, Batman Forever (1995)
n/a: BEN AFFLECK, Batman V Superman, Justice League (2016-2017)
Have seen the film. Will not comment.
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I loved this deep dive into the Batmen, and I think you raise a good question about who this character is and if he matters without his key allure: his love interest and his hefty pockets. This was a fun time!
So enjoyed this!