These are the red flag careers. Date with caution.
This was meant to be the Q1 Dating Dump, but I haven't had a real date since November of last year. So enjoy this instead, tulips.
*for legal reasons this posting is a joke.
**pardon typos. your boy is still self-editing.
If you’re new here, Dating Dumps are my quarterly recaps of my dates from the past few months—the good, the bad, the missed connections, the fuckboys. In order to publish a ‘dump,’ I need to go on dates; and that hasn’t really happened since November of last year. I am in the troughs of the driest of dry spells, fighting for my life!—prayers are welcome.
In lieu of a dating dump this quarter, I’ve decided to, with the help of some generous friends and followers, give back. By way of legend, we’ve all been cautioned against pursuing romantic endeavors with Finance Bros and Creative Directors, both of which come with warning labels by way of Patagonia vests (finance) and Carhartt beanies (creative). But I’ve realized in focusing on (and avoiding) men in these fields, we’ve inadvertently enabled men in other fields to engage in fuckboy behavior unnoticed, unscathed. Who are the lesser known professionals that need to be put on notice? What are the safe (by straight male standards) careers to date?
I remember briefly dating a DJ Manager in 2018. He—like your average romantic terrorist—was charming, had great style, very good eyebrows, and was more attentive than any guy I’d dated prior; like go out of his way to swing by your work to say ‘hi’ attentive. Like invite you over for a gorgeous meal at his apartment after hearing about your stressful family vacation in St Maarten attentive. In between bites of his perfectly pan-seared salmon drizzled with a lemon sauce, I swore to myself I was falling in love—it was the deadly haze of the food x dick combo. The next day, I was ghosted. After a week or so, I accepted I was not going to see him again, but I could not accept that he was not going to return the sunglasses I left at his apartment, despite offering to pick them up; then offering to meet him somewhere to get them; then offering to pay for the shipping. To this day, The DJ Manager has not returned my sunglasses. I still see his punk ass out in Brooklyn and each time I’m reminded of the DJ Manager archetype—connected, but unreliable; open, but unreadable; cool, but thinks he’s cooler than he is—and how I’ll never subject myself to the very specific type of torture that is dating one, again.
The DJ Manager is just one career you should avoid in men. According to my friends, mutuals and followers, there are a few others. Thank you to everyone who generously shared their experiences (linked here)—you just saved a life. Heed their warning, share with your friends and be safe out there, kiddoos.
Creative Directors and Finance Bros for obvious reasons. Their reputation precedes them.
But also, Architects, a pseudo Creative Director x Finance Bro hybrid. They have the artistic sensibilities of CDs coupled with the directness of Finance men—a combination that should in theory work, but the worst of these men—self-obsession, flakiness and an insatiable need to put work above all else—unfortunately remains. I once matched with an Architect wearing ALD in his profile—so tempting, but I love myself.
Salesmen. No one provided a reason why. I’m not bothered by them, but the internet seems to be.
Visual Designers are apparently trouble as well. Again, no one shared a reason why, but there was a strong consensus that cannot be ignored.
DJs and Musicians are the least offensive of the bunch, in my humble opinion. I dated a lovely DJ once, but many followers shared horror stories, including unknowingly putting up a DJ-without-home over the course of several weeks. The thing about DJs and Musicians is the imminent “work” date, where they invite you to check out their set, hang in the studio, or a comparable, low effort plan centered around their work. Please know this is not a date and express your expectation that you see them in an environment unrelated to their music.
If he works in Real Estate or Fashion he belongs to the streets. It’s so easy to be flattered by his putting you on to an unlisted apartment or discounted Prada, but remember he’s put on half of his city as well. If he works in luxury real estate or commercial development, he might be safe, albeit annoying.
If he owns a bar, specifically Ray’s (and is Nicholas Braun), yikes.
Law and Medical Students do not have time for you. Second/Third year law students may have time for you.
Chefs are apparently very unhinged, very nuts; possibly a consequence of their off-hours and high-stress work environment. It is worth noting that fictional chefs Magnus (Love Life, HBO) and Nate (The Devil Wears Prada) are messy, manipulative men who terrorized their partners emotionally. And we know art imitates life. That said, the chef boyfriend will likely cook for you—if the food’s good enough, I could put up with a lot. According to a few followers/mutuals, they also bring home good wine from work. That certainly counts for something.
Journalists and other Writers are in love with themselves and their opinions, especially if they cover tech. Prepare for one-sided conversation that might be mansplaining or mansplaining-adjacent. Editors on the other hand, are quite sexy, more available, and interested in what you have to say.
Male careers you might be safe dating:
Software Engineers with social skills who are NOT water signs.
Doctors.
Gardeners.
Baristas. *although he’s definitely sleeping with someone else.
Pastry chefs.
That’s it. We’re dealing with men here.
I’m hopeful my next dump will include some banger dates to report on. Until then, may the odds (love) be ever in our favor.
BIG X BIG O—
Cashmere
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